BOBBY MOORE

Team America was put together in 1976 as part of the united states of America's bicentennial celebration, a 4 way tournament against Brazil, Italy and England.Bobby Moore's Team America, eventually lost to England by 3 goals to 1

HIRE CAR

While my car was in the garage having some repairs done to it,i had to hire a hire car to get myself to and from work.After two days in the garage my car was finally ready for collection,so i took the hire car back.In the hire car office the girl who was serving me was getting all the relevant paperwork together for me to sign,and then i could be on my way.While she was still sorting out the paperwork she asked me,
How did i find the car?
'what do you mean,how did i find the car' ,i said, 'i never lost it,i came out of my house this morning and there it was, exactly where i had left it the night before',
'no,you misunderstood me' she said, 'what i meant was how did you find the car to drive' ?' but isn't that the same question' i asked her again,'only this time you seem to be emphasising the word you, you don't even know me and now you're implying that I'm incapable of parking a car in the evening and then locating the same car in the morning in the place where i had parked it,the night before ?
'if you could just sign here that'll be all' she sighed !

STOCKTAKING

After two days of counting thousands of tiles,we finally finished stocktaking at work today.I hate stocktaking,always have done,but its something that has to be done. I've come to a few conclusions today,one is that counting tiles in a container while the wind is blowing snow in your face is as depressing as being forced to watch an episode of Eastenders,two,trying to use a calculator,phone drinking a cup of coffee,or anything else for that matter, with gloves on is impossible and finally,people who name products are slightly bonkers.I say this as i came across a range of tiles today called 'Fun'.Now don't get me wrong its a nice looking tile and comes in three different colours,Beige,Green and Blue,but the problem i have is that when i look at this particular tile, or any tile,i don't think fun !To me fun is a holiday, or a night out, not a tile.Surely the whole point of naming something is to give it an identity, to reflect either the way it looks or the way it makes you feel,i cant see that a tile looks fun or would make you feel fun,so my only conclusion as to why someone would give it the name fun was because they were either pissed,or hadn't taken their medication !

DOUBLE GLAZING

Why do double glazing companies phone at such ridiculous times in the evening trying to sell you double glazing ?Because they're physic.They know that you are sat there at nine o clock in the evening with your feet up in front of the tele,enjoying a nice glass of wine,relaxing after another tedious day at the office or stuck in traffic,when it suddenly occurs to you that there was something you needed to do at nine o clock,but what was it ? of course,that was it,you need to have double glazing fitted to your house and you need to phone a double glazing company right this very minute to sort it out,this was far too important to leave until normal hours of business.But because they already knew that you were thinking this by using their physic powers, the phone rings and as if by magic its a friendly double glazing salesman,amazing!!

CHRISTMAS

I was talking to someone today about Christmas and we were both having a whinge about how expensive everything was (Baa Humbug) and how Christmas wasn't the same as it used to be.(we've reached the age where everything was better when we were younger)I just happened to say that the visiting of family and friends over the Christmas period was hard work.When she eventually stopped laughing at that comment,she said,
'a bloke moaning about how hard Christmas is,do you do any shopping or cooking at Christmas?'.
Point taken !!

MY MATE

A friend of mine is still single and has never married,even though he is now 44.For some reason whenever he meets a new woman he never tells her his real age.This had never been a problem before,as his relationships tend not to last very long.That is until one day he told his usual lie to a girl,but became quite smitten by her.After seeing each other for a few months and with the lie still continuing, they decided to book a holiday.Eventually the day of their 2 week break in the sun finally arrived and at the airport they were both in high spirits and very much looking forward to their first holiday together.Reaching the front of the check-in queue,my mates girl friend,who was holding both their passports,handed them over to the check-in girl and as she did,she happened to catch sight of the date of birth on his passport,
'Sorry,I've just noticed on my boyfriends passport,that his date of birth is wrong ,it says that he was born in 1965 instead of 1975,would that be a problem?'she asked the check-in lady.
But,before the check-in lady could answer and so as not to cause a scene,my mate,who was by now bright red and extremely embarrassed,had to step in and explain to the both of them that the passport was in fact correct and that he had lied about his age.He then had to show his driving licence to prove that he had i.d with matching dates of birth on.His girlfriend was not impressed with his lie,the holiday did go ahead,but for some reason the relationship ended quite quickly on their return.
Is he still lying about his age.?
Unfortunately the ageing process has caught up with him,he only says that hes five years younger than his actual age now !

FROZEN TURKEYS

At a company i used to work for,it was a tradition that on the last working day before it closed for Christmas, we used to get given a 12 pound frozen turkey each,as a gesture of thanks for all our hard work during the year.It was also a tradition of ours to go straight from work on that last day across the road to the local pubs for a Christmas drink or two.We all knew that we were going to receive this turkey, but none of us ever made any plans for getting it home,we couldn't leave it at work as the premises were locked for the christmas holidays as soon as we left them.I was given a frozen turkey,four Christmas's in a row and i never managed to get one home, neither did any of the other four fellas that i regularly drank with.We would start in the first pub, all sat round a table to begin with, our turkeys sat next to us in their own chairs,then we would go onto another pub with our turkeys slowly defrosting under our arms, by the third pub we had become so fond of our frozen birds,that they now had names,but,by the time we had reached the final pub,which was 2 miles from where we started and about 8 hours later,they had gone.In 4 years only one turkey ever made it to the final pub,and for a while it looked like it was going home,it wasn't in a fit state to go home,but it had been on one hell of an adventure,something to tell his mates,if only we knew where they were,but unfortunately it wasn't to be for that little fella,as he was last seen being used as a football by half the pub at closing time.And whatever happened to all the other turkeys as those nights progressed, is sadly,still a mystery !