FROZEN TURKEYS

At a company i used to work for,it was a tradition that on the last working day before it closed for Christmas, we used to get given a 12 pound frozen turkey each,as a gesture of thanks for all our hard work during the year.It was also a tradition of ours to go straight from work on that last day across the road to the local pubs for a Christmas drink or two.We all knew that we were going to receive this turkey, but none of us ever made any plans for getting it home,we couldn't leave it at work as the premises were locked for the christmas holidays as soon as we left them.I was given a frozen turkey,four Christmas's in a row and i never managed to get one home, neither did any of the other four fellas that i regularly drank with.We would start in the first pub, all sat round a table to begin with, our turkeys sat next to us in their own chairs,then we would go onto another pub with our turkeys slowly defrosting under our arms, by the third pub we had become so fond of our frozen birds,that they now had names,but,by the time we had reached the final pub,which was 2 miles from where we started and about 8 hours later,they had gone.In 4 years only one turkey ever made it to the final pub,and for a while it looked like it was going home,it wasn't in a fit state to go home,but it had been on one hell of an adventure,something to tell his mates,if only we knew where they were,but unfortunately it wasn't to be for that little fella,as he was last seen being used as a football by half the pub at closing time.And whatever happened to all the other turkeys as those nights progressed, is sadly,still a mystery !

GREASE IS THE WORD

Grease, a classic 1970s film set in a 1950s American high school (with lots of singing).When it first hit the big screen in the late 70s it was the film to see, so off we went to watch it at the local cinema.We had seen Olivia newton john or (neutron bomb) as we used to say,on Top of the Pops singing 'you're the one that i want' in those tight trousers and that was all the encouragement we needed to get us there.During the opening scenes Sandy and Danny are having fun on the beach, the waves are crashing onto the beach, in the background theres a big orchestral score going on, and then Sandy turns to Danny and says 'oh Danny, is this the end' to which a bloke in the cinema shouted out 'I bloody hope not love, its just cost me a quid to get in here'!

CAR SHAMPOO

Whilst washing my van the other day,i noticed that the car shampoo i was using was lemon scented!For whose benefit is the smell of lemons in a car shampoo for ? ours or the cars!If its for the cars benefit,who on earth thought it necessary to have the outside of a car smelling of lemons once its been washed!If theres a surplus of lemons in the world why waste them on a fragranced car shampoo, why not put them to a better use,stick some alcohol in it and bring back two dogs(alcoholic lemon flavoured drink!!).But please don't waste them on making a car shampoo.

24 HOURS FROM TULSA

The Gene Pitney song, '24 hours from Tulsa', has always baffled me.The first line,'Dearest, darling, i had to write to say that i wont be home anymore', why would he even consider writing to her,why didn't he just phone her. As a means of communicating with someone quickly,writing isn't the first thing that comes into your head,('Darling don't forget to order those tickets for the theatre tomorrow night', 'okay dear,I'll just write them a letter'!! )By the time it took him to find a pen and paper,and who can ever find an envelope and stamp when you need one, sit down and write some old rubbish about how he was only 24 hours away from her arms, but then met someone new, that letter would have taken days,maybe weeks to reach the poor girl.And what if the postmen were on strike or even worse, it had got lost in the post, for all we know, she could be still sat in Tulsa to this very day waiting for him to turn up !!!

REMEMBRANCE DAY

The Soldier, by Rupert Brooke

If i should die, think only this of me;

That there's some corner of a foreign field

That is forever England. There shall be

In that rich earth a richer dust concealed;

A dust whom England bore, shaped,made aware,

Gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam,

A body of England's, breathing English air,

Washed by the rivers, blest by the suns of home.

And think,this heart, all evil shed away,

A pulse in the eternal mind, no less

Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;

Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day

And laughter, learnt of friends ;and gentleness,

In hearts at peace, under an English heaven.

Remembering all the service men and women,of this Great Britain, both past and present and all their families on this remembrance day, whose courage ,bravery and dedication are a lesson to us all.

BALL JUGGLER

The half time entertainment was your typical lower league offering of cheerleaders shaking their pom, poms and the team mascot walking round the perimeter of the pitch shaking hands with the youngsters in the crowd.Typical that is, until some young fella walked into the centre circle and started a 10 minute keepy upy, or ball juggling routine, using every part of his body apart from, obviously, his hands.He was unbelievably good, flicking the ball up in the air and catching it on his back, he had it balanced on his head, at one point he was sitting on the ground, legs outstretched still juggling, the ball just seemed to stick to his body like glue, you just couldn't take your eyes off him.Its hard to imagine the hours of practice and dedication that this young fella had invested in perfecting this skill, but obviously just by watching him you could see that all that time and effort had paid off. And after 10 minutes of juggling that was it, his routine over apart from the finale. Juggling the ball from the halfway line towards the goal,waving to the crowd and taking in the deserved applause as he went,it was obvious to everyone watching what he was going to do.So there he was 6 feet away from the goal, a final wave to the crowd, a final flick of the ball up in the air for a volley straight into the back of the net and .oh my God hes missed the goal,all 8 feet tall and 24 feet wide from 6 feet away, he was 6 feet away in the centre of the goal and he didn't just kick the ball over, he volleyed it wide of the post ! This young fella who could make the ball do whatever he wanted couldn't find the back of the net with the help of a sat nav, the line between success and failure is a thin one,and he well and truly crossed it,he would have probably fallen over it, if it was real, because whatever he had done in the previous 10 minutes was now well and truly forgotten. The crowd were briefly stunned and silent and then it started,he had the stuffing well and truly ripped out of him by all the fans in the stadium, this poor lad was now leaving the pitch, not to the applause and admiration that he rightly deserved and should have been receiving, but to laughter and taunts , as the bloke behind me at the time shouted out 'oi mate, you should have gone to specsavers' !